Thought to write some interesting things,
but ended with something personal. Asked some of my friends, whether to post this or not, as it goes emotional. Couple of them enquired about my condition and then, there's is one person, who didn't care about the content and just appreciated for portraying what I thought/felt in a clear manner. That gave me a gut to post this and if I you felt I had wasted your time, early apologizes.One more reason for publishing this blog is during my 80's, it will be funny
to recollect how I was in my early 20’s.
Don’t know what happened, for past few days I'm feeling like
sinking. It’s never too late to find me back, but to find, the price I have to
pay may be something large. If I tried I can live without those things, but not
myself. Also am not that mad to lose something equally important and get myself
back. During these sort of situations, I wish to have a time machine, to place
myself one year back. Just bewildered. Last time, I wished to have time machine
for writing my 12th exams once again.
Everyone knows am a short temper, only when they tease my
favourites. But now a days, getting anger, irritated, behaving like childish
for silly reasons. Childish may not be the apt word, but I don't know, how to
portray me in best possible way. Thinking of unnecessary things and getting
worry over those issues, weren't in my diary. However I'm getting used to that.
It’s not that am I won't lie. I too but only to prank my friends. On other
issues, I never play or lie to anyone, since it may hurt their feelings. Now a
days, lying to my close ones becomes a habit, for my beneficiary so that they
won’t get disappointed.
When I rewind, the people would say some nice qualities
defines me. I can feel that am losing those one by one. Staring at mirror and
seeing how I have transformed, is worse and acting to others like being normal,
is far worse. While some of them thinking me as benevolent, the truth is just
opposite. I didn't say I am that much bad, fearing that I may change.
Those were the days, where my friends come with their problems, ask my suggestions to overcome it. But these days, I stand solitary by losing my way.
While thinking about all my negatives, at somewhere, at some
corner, realized at least I can identify my flaws, feeling shame on myself, and
thinking how it will affect others. There are some others, who doesn’t even
bother a penny on others. Also there are people, who are far better and living
like a Buddha/Jesus/Teresa even these days. It’s a human tendency to look upon people
who are imperfect, when we are not that Perfect. It's not am the only one going through this phase, I expressed and others didn't.
Finally, I consoled myself, “Don't worry Parasu, a part of
you is still good. You will find a way to get rid of these things and discover yourself back”
Title Courtesy: Kamal Haasan Sir. (Virtuous Villain - Uthama Villain)
Only line came to my mind while writing " Neenga nallavara ?, ila kettavara ?"
Keep Smiling :) Try to be true to everyone :)
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